


Mustard and Trojans

by ScienceFantasy93



Category: Big Time Rush
Genre: Condiments, Condoms, Dirty minds, F/M, Humor, Romance, Sexual Humor, Shopping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-11
Updated: 2013-04-11
Packaged: 2017-12-08 03:39:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/756590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScienceFantasy93/pseuds/ScienceFantasy93
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Katie keeps getting 'condiments' and 'condoms' mixed up, James decides to be nice and help her get the two straightened out. But things don't go so well when she gets the two words mixed up in the grocery store...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mustard and Trojans

**Author's Note:**

> This is a one shot I wrote after flashing back on how I used to get "condiments" and "condoms" mixed up when I was younger. Hope you guys enjoy the perverted-ness that is my mind ;P
> 
> This story was posted on fanfiction.net on 11-12-12.

"Katie," Kendall said to me as he rifled through the kitchen [cabinets](http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8698561/1/Mustard-and-Trojans), "I need you to get some condiments."

I blinked. What did they need condiments for?

"Can't you do it yourself?" I asked him as I put [my phone](http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8698561/1/Mustard-and-Trojans) in my purse.

"Nope, the guys and I are going to be busy here. Anyway, James needs them. Apparently he's desperate for them."

I blinked again. Oh great, a horny James Diamond. Just what we needed.

"Well," I said to James, hitching my purse over my shoulder, "at least you're being safe."

He stared at me. "Ummm…yeah…okay."

"So, what size do you need?"

"Size?" he shrugged. "Small works. That's the cheapest."

"Oh, is this a one-size-fits-all brand?" I asked. "I didn't know they made those."

"One-size-fits-all?"

I nodded. "Aren't you normally a large or something? I mean, you're not exactly tiny, right?"

"Um…Katie…" Kendall choked out, sounding like he was trying not to laugh.

"Excuse me?" James said blankly.

"What?" I looked at Kendall. "It's true."

"No, I think you – "

I turned back to James. "So, you're not a large? Oh, you're an extra-large, aren't you? Do you want  _Trojans_? Those are the best, right? Actually, are there any other brands? You never hear about them."

Kendall tried again. "Katie, when I told you to get condiments, I meant – "

"So, give me the brand and the size, and don't bullshit me with getting a size small. You need to be safe, and a small is going to really restrict your blood flow."

James hid a smile with his hand as he grabbed a piece of paper and a pen. He jotted something down, and passed it to me.

I looked down at it:  _Heinz Mustard, size small_.

"I didn't know there was a condiment brand called  _Heinz Mustard_ ," I said, confused.

"There isn't. You got  _condiments_  mixed up with  _condoms_ ," James told me. "But, just for future reference, I'm a size extra large." With that, he winked at me, and exited the room.

Kendall finally busted out laughing.

"Shut up," I whined. "It could've happened to anyone."

"Uh huh. Of course it could've, baby sister."

I hmmphed and stalked out of the apartment. He was right. Only me. It would have only happened to me. But did it have to happen in front of James, the guy who I had had a crush on for God-knows-how-long? Apparently so. And my humiliation wasn't over yet.

The door swung open, and when I turned around, I came face to face with James.

"What?" I grumbled.

"I'm coming with you."

"I don't need a babysitter."

"No, but apparently you  _do_  need a translator."

"For your information, I can speak English just fine!"

He shrugged. "Could've fooled me. You asked me what size condiments I wear. That worries me. That worries me a lot."

I groaned. "James, I'm fine. I don't need you to come with me to the store. I'm eighteen, I'm a grown adult. I can go by myself."

"Not if you get  _condoms_  and  _condiments_  mixed up."

"I won't."

"Good. But I'm still coming with you. The apartment's boring."

"But Kendall said there was a lot to do."

"There is. That's what making the apartment so boring."

I groaned again. "Fine. You can come with. But keep your mouth shut, lock it, and throw the key away."

"Aye, aye, Captain!" he zipped his lips and pretended to toss the imaginary key down the second floor hallway.

I rolled my eyes. Dork.

Together we made our way out to the Big Time Rush mobile. James got into the driver's seat, and I climbed into the passenger's seat.

"So, which store were you headed to?" he asked me as he we buckled up.

"The new one,  _SavvyMart_."

"Okay, cool." He started the car, and off we went.

We pulled up in front of  _SavvyMart_  about ten minutes later. James parked neatly, and we got out, heading into the store.

The interior of  _SavvyMart_  didn't do the TV ads justice. It looked like a cross between a  _Wal-Mart_  and a  _Target_ , with a little  _Walgreens_  thrown in there for good measure.

Apparently  _SavvyMart_  wasn't so savvy.

James began peering around. "Where're the aisles with the mustard and ketchup and stuff?"

"No idea, this is my first time in here. Oh!" I grabbed a passing sales clerk. "Excuse me, but which aisle are the condoms?"

For some reason, James' eyes widened and he put his hand over his eyes. I'm not sure why, though. He gets so weird sometimes.

The clerk blinked at me, and then blinked at James. "Heeey! Aren't you that guy from that boy band? In Line Crush or something?"

James scowled at him. "It's Big Time Rush, and yes, I am."

"Dude! You're, like, a celebrity or something! Who's the hot chick?"

"The  _hot chick_  happens to be my best friend's sister."

"Ohhhh! Gotcha. Mum's the word, eh?"

I blinked, very confused by this point. "Huh?"

James pulled himself to his full height. "No,  _mum_  isn't the word, because – "

"Look," I broke in, wanting to keep James from getting into an argument with the employee. The last thing we needed was a picture of him punching the guy in the face on the cover of every tabloid magazine in America. "We just need to know which aisle the condoms are in. So, show us where they are, and we'll get out of your way."

"No, what she means is – " James began, but I interrupted.

"Come on, chop, chop! We haven't got all day!"

"She means condiments," James informed the employee.

"Oh, well, they're this way – "

"No I don't!" I protested. "James, all you're doing is confusing me! I meant condoms."

"Okay, they're over here – "

"No, you mean condiments."

I stomped my foot. "I do not mean condiments! I meant condoms! CONDOMS, CONDOMS, CONDOMS! You told me to get a small!"

James face-palmed. "I'm an extra-large!"

"Yeah, that's what they all say," the employee told him, patting his arm. "Don't worry about it, we can't all be humongous."

James glowered at him. "I will drop trou right here and now if you don't shut up!"

"Well…if you want to…It's your choice. We encourage freedom of speech and free thinking here."

James slapped his hand to his face again. "Unbelievable."

"So…what am I leading you two to?" the employee wanted to know.

" _Condoms_ ," I said firmly, and James let out a resigned sigh.

The employee nodded. "They're this way." He led us through the store, to the aisle laden with beauty and body care products.

Huh? Since when did they sell mustard alongside tampons?

This store was so messed up.

But what could you really expect from a  _Target_  and  _Wal-Mart_  knockoff?

The employee stopped in front of a row of boxes with different colors and brand names.  _Trojans_ … _Durex_ … _Lifestyle_ … _Crown_ … _Beyond Seven_ …Oh my gosh, he had led us to condiments!

No…wait…They had  _condoms_  written on the front…

Oops.

James now had the same amused look on his face that he had had back when he had realized I'd gotten the names mixed up the first time around. "Thanks, man," he said to the employee. He grabbed an orange box of  _Trojan_  condoms with " _Intensified: Charged Orgasmic Pleasure_ " spread across the front. "Ribbed for her pleasure," he grinned wolfishly, and I blushed a bright red.

How did I get myself into these situations?

_How_?!

The employee nodded. "Enjoy."

"Oh, we will. Just one more thing. Where's the condiments?"

Show off. Just because he knows the difference between condiments and condoms…

"This way," the employee chirped, and led us down a few aisles, to one packed with ketchup, relish, soy sauce, barbecue sauce, hot sauce, and yes, mustard.

James grabbed a small bottle of mustard, and then snatched up a container of chocolate sauce, a jar of Maraschino cherries, and a bottle of whipped cream.

"What're those for?" I asked curiously.

He grinned widely. "Dessert."

Somehow, I didn't think he was talking about an ice cream sundae…

We paid for everything and headed back out to the car.

"You could've stopped me from asking the guy where the condoms were," I grumbled to him as he started the car.

"I tried, but you kept interrupting me."

"Oh…yeah…What'd you need mustard for?"

"To put on hot dogs, duh. Come on, we only get to have a 'social gathering' once every year or so. We have to make the best of it and to do that, we have to ensure that we don't run out of anything."

"Yeah…I guess…What'd you grab the condoms for?"

He smirked at me. "You never know when you're going to need a spare condom."

"And the – um – the – the – um – the cherries – and – um – stuff?"

"Guess."

"I'd – um – rather not…"

He shrugged. "Suit yourself." He steered the car onto the road, heading back to the apartment.

The 'social gathering' ended up being a success. We didn't run out of any food, Bitters laid low in his office the entire night, and James proceeded to flirt outrageously with me.

All in all, definitely a very awesome not-party.

The clean up, however, was a lot less fun and definitely not very awesome.

"And this is why I keep saying we shouldn't throw social gatherings," Logan preached to us as I dumped potato chip crumbs and used cups into a huge plastic trash bag. "Because the mess is unbearable."

"It's not that bad," Kendall protested. "It could be a lot worse. Actually, this time around, the mess is pretty mild."

"Yeah, I didn't even have to scrape any kind of questionable substance off my bedroom floor," James put in.

Logan rolled his eyes. "Whatever. I still think you guys are insane for having a social gathering. It's irresponsible. We are adults. We're twenty-two, and – "

"Hey, Logie!" Camille appeared in the doorway. "Feel like coming over? I could use some company." She batted her lashes, and Logan nodded eagerly.

"I'm there! Bye, guys! See you tomorrow! Maybe!" and with those words, he dashed out of the apartment, slamming the door behind him.

"And he's the responsible one?" I raised an eyebrow. "Remind me to never put my life in his hands. I'd be dead in five minutes."

James chuckled as he grabbed a wash cloth and began wiping down the counter. "You know how he gets with Camille."

"Speaking of which, I have to go. I promised Jo I'd meet her at the pool," Kendall said as he checked the clock.

"You just saw her, like, half an hour ago," I protested.

"Yeah, but at that point I was hosting a social gathering. Now, I'm a free agent." And with those words, he tossed his broom aside and strolled out the front door.

James and I stared at each other, and then spun around to face Carlos.

He gave us an innocent look. "What?"

"Do you have to meet a girl?" I asked him.

"Yep. Stephanie wants me to star in her new horror film. I'm playing the crazy knife guy. Oh, and I have to go. She wants to get some good shots of me in the dark. Bye!" and he ran out of the apartment, leaving James and me alone to clean up the mess.

"Wow. What loyal friends and siblings," I deadpanned.

"Makes you feel all warm and gooey inside, doesn't it?" James equaled my sarcasm.

"Sure does. Wow. Hormones are crazy."

"They are."

It took us almost two hours, but we finally managed to get the apartment looking as if a social gathering/party had never been held there.

"So, think you've got the difference between  _condoms_  and  _condiments_  straightened out?" James asked me as we collapsed on the couch.

I nodded. "Yeah. I can't believe I got them mixed up in the first place."

"Well, they're kind of similar," he shrugged. "I've probably gotten them mixed up at some point too."

"Oh. Really?"

"Probably. I can't remember, but chances are I have."

"Ah. Okay."

"Okay."

I looked over at him, and he looked back at me. Before I could do or say anything, he leaned over and pressed his lips against mine.

Oh…wow…His lips were soft and sweet against mine, his arms wrapping around my waist to pull me closer. I leaned into him, deepening the kiss eagerly.

After several seconds, he pulled back, and I blinked at him. "That was…um…yeah..."

He nodded in agreement. "Yeah. It was. You're a good kisser."

"Thanks. So are you."

"Thanks."

Awkward silence…

Oh, what the hell.

I dove at him, kissing him forcefully, and he kissed me back, returning the roughness.

By the time we pulled apart, I was panting heavily and my lips were tingling.

James got to his feet, stretching. "So…"

"So…Where are you going?"

"To my room."

"Oh." I blinked. "Want me to come?"

"Nope."

"Okay – wait.  _No_?"

"That's right. No."

"Why not?!" I leapt to my feet, glaring at him.

"Because, I don't know if I can sleep with someone who asked me what size mustard I wear."

"That was a mistake! God! You're such an ass!"

He shrugged. "You knew this about me."

"Hmmph."

He chuckled and headed for his room. When he was halfway there, he turned around to shoot a cocky grin over his shoulder at me. "So…are you coming or what?"

I did my best to hold out and glare at him. Cocky son of a bitch. If he thought he could pull that on me and then still expect to get laid, he was out of his freaking mind.

Except…

He was grabbing the chocolate sauce and the whipped cream and cherries. And I could really use dessert. In more ways than one.

"Fine," I replied. "But I get the chocolate sauce and whipped cream."

"Sounds fair to me."

"Good."

"Good."

"Get into your room."

"Ma'am, yes, ma'am!" he raced into his room, and I scurried after him, kicking the door shut and locking it.

"I just need you to remember something," James said to me as I turned to face him. "It's really important."

"Okay…what is it?"

He held up the chocolate sauce and whipped cream. "These are condiments. And these," he nodded to the pack of  _Trojans_  on his dresser, "are condoms. Learn them. Get them right. They're going to be important for tonight."

"Just shut up and take off your clothes."

"Whatever you say." He grinned at me and began to unbutton his shirt.

"And I can tell the difference. Those are condoms, and  _these_  are condiments."

"You're holding up the condoms."

"Just shut up and kiss me already!"

 


End file.
